Men Tell Oprah, why they abuse women
(OPRAH.com) — Every day, three women die as result of abuse — that’s nearly 1,100 killed every year. “That number might not mean anything to you…unless the woman was your mother, your sister, your daughter,” Oprah Winfrey says. Young men who admit to hitting, kicking, choking and even wanting to kill the women they claim to love are opening up to Winfrey and giving an unprecedented look inside the minds of abusers.
Men who have abused women reveal to Oprah Winfrey why they did it.
“It set me off. I remember walking up to her and smacking her full force,” Sir says. “I grabbed her by her neck, and I kind of held her against the car. Then, I walked her over to the bushes and threw her in there, and I just started choking her. It was with every bit of rage, every bit of anger I’ve ever had.”
After the first incident of abuse, Sir says he held a gun to his head. “It was very hard for me to come to grips with the man that I was,” he says. Sir promised Christy it would never happen again, and she forgave him.
Though Sir swore to his wife that the abuse would stop, it continued for the next two-and-a-half years. Even while Christy was pregnant, she says Sir beat her to the point where she feared for her life. “She didn’t want to be intimate with me, she didn’t want to have sex with me and I got very furious,” Sir says. “I got on top of her and sat on her stomach.”
Christy says Sir choked her and covered her nose and mouth so she couldn’t breathe. “I was just thinking: ‘Oh my gosh, I’m going to die right now. Is this really happening?’” Oprah.com: 7 ways to end violence against women
When he was in a rage and beating Christy, Sir says he did want her to die. “I had every intention to take her life. I felt like I had power and control over something in my life,” Sir says. “It made me feel invincible.”
Luckily, Christy survived the abuse.
“By the grace of God, reality would come back to me as the rage would decrease,” Sir says. “I look back now and I can see that at that time, when the rage would come, it was like tunnel vision. I would try and express my anger and my disappointment the only way I knew how. And that was through abuse.”
Eventually, Christy left Sir and gave him an ultimatum — either they would include Christ in their marriage or she would not return to Sir. “I went home and gave my life to Christ,” Sir says. “With that [freedom] came the relationship with my wife. It was so much better.”
Sir says it’s been about two years since he last hit Christy. “If one of our arguments were to progress and continue to escalate, instead of adrenaline, it’s knots,” he says. “I’ll have knots in my stomach, and I’ll say, ‘Okay, we have to stop talking.’ That allows me to step aside and pray and calm down.”
Christy says that if Sir were to ever hit her again, she would leave. “He has full knowledge of what he needs to be doing as a man and a father and a husband,” she says. “If he’s not owning up to those responsibilities, then I’m better than that, and my kids deserve better than that.” Oprah.com: What happens when children witness abuse?
Though Sir says the abuse has stopped, he admits it’s an everyday struggle. “If I ever think I have it under control, I’m in trouble,” he says.
Though Sir can’t speak for all men, he believes his own abusive behavior was triggered by his past. “Kids are precious — they record everything,” he says. “I grew up in an abusive household, so I didn’t know how to verbally communicate with my wife without putting her down. I didn’t know how to verbally disagree with her and say, ‘We don’t see eye to eye,’ and be okay with that.”
Does Sir believe that every man who hits a woman once will hit her again? “I say yes because I hit [Christy] more than once — there was a second occasion, there was a third,” he says. “Do I think it’s a cycle that can be stopped? Yes.”
to read more click here
Source: CNN/Oprah.com
About The Author
For More Info Contact:
Taylor Thompson
404-209-0280, 404-819-8886
taylort@gcadv.org
PRESS RELEASE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
April 2, 2009
GA improves from 7th to 14th in nation for domestic violence homicides Family and friends may hold key to more progress
(Atlanta) In just two years, Georgia has improved from 7th to 14th in the nation for the rate at which men kill women in single-victim homicides, but experts say there is much more work to be done, especially in the area of educating family and friends about how to effectively support abuse victims and intervene with abusers. Today, two statewide domestic violence agencies released a report analyzing homicides and near-deadly assaults of Georgia women. The Georgia Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Georgia Commission on Family Violence have jointly published their 5th annual Domestic Violence Fatality Review Report, a document that provides analysis of cases in which Georgians have lost their lives due to domestic violence. The report also provides recommendations and strategies that communities in Georgia can utilize to end domestic violence in their area.
After reviewing 89 of Georgia’s domestic violence fatalities, the two groups found that many people experiencing domestic violence tend to seek help primarily from their friends, family members, neighbors, coworkers, employers, and faith communities. Members of these groups often try to help, but lack the tools to do so effectively. The report offers basic messages that anyone can convey to people who are being abused or abusers so that they are better prepared to respond when a friend or loved one is in a violent relationship. In addition, in all the cases reviewed, less than one-fifth of homicide victims had had contact with a domestic violence agency or safehouse in the five years leading up to the homicide – suggesting that many of those in great danger often are unaware of or not accessing available resources. “Clearly, it is imperative to find ways to connect more people with the domestic violence hotline,” said Beck Dunn, Executive Director of GCADV. The statewide, toll-free hotline number is 1-800-33-HAVEN (42836) voice/TTY.
Referencing the Violence Policy Center’s 2008 study, in which Georgia moved in just two years from 7th to 14th in the nation for the rate at which men kill women in single-victim homicides (most of which are domestic violence deaths), Kirsten Rambo, Executive Director of GCFV, noted, “We are making some good progress in Georgia, but we still have a long way to go. Domestic violence deaths can be prevented only when communities take a stand against domestic violence and work together to stop it.”
In 2008, at least 111 Georgians lost their lives to domestic violence. There were at least 118 deaths due to domestic violence in Georgia in 2007. The Domestic Violence Fatality Report can be used as a tool in every community to end violence in the home. To access the report for free online, or for information about the Georgia Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Georgia Commission on Family Violence, please go to http://www.gcadv.org or http://www.gcfv.org. The report is also available at http://www.fatalityreview.com.
###