Lundy Bancroft

Divorce

Domestic Violence

Common Myths
Domestic Violence - Definition
Who Are The Victims?
Who Are The Abusers?
Violence Wheel
Cycle of Violence
Struggles of Trauma
Why Women Won't Leave
Abuse Hotlines
Lundy Bancroft

                        Throughout this website, I have shared my own experience with Divorce, Child Custody and the Judicial System and it's many flaws. I have shared my experience with Domestic Violence and as my insight increases, I will continue to shed awareness to women nationwide, you are not alone. I learned today, that Domestic Violence is bigger than I imagined. As I research various books, one in particular that was referred to me by a counselor with the Jewish Family Services, Family Violence office, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. This book takes you inside the minds of angry and controlling men. This perspective allowed me to begin understanding why men are abusers. Bancroft has worked with abusive men for seventeen years. His approach in counseling abusive men is not just with the men themselves, he will interview spouses, girlfriends, partners, etc. to get the "whole" picture of the relationship.

                        For my own experience, I often was left feeling that I was to blame. That some how it was my fault. Bancroft explains, that there are many facets to an abusive man. One of the myths about abusive men is that, "He's crazy. He's got some mental illness that he should be medicated for." He points out that an abusive man's value system is unhealthy, not their psychology. I never knew that. Having a psychology background, the symptoms of rage, the narcissistic personality, history of abuse as a child were what made men abusive. Bancroft clearly explains that mental illness exacerbates the cycle of abuse, but it does not create an abusive man. After further reading, Bancroft continues with, "research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but when men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons." I was blown when I read that. I was convinced that if a mans mother is abusive toward her son, the result would be dislike and disrespect toward women.    In chapter 4 of Bancroft's' book titled, "The Types Of Abusive Men" he categorizes ten archetypal abusive men:

                        1.    The Demand Man

                        2.    Mr. Right

                        3.    The Water Torturer

                        4.    The Drill Sergeant

                        5.    Mr. Sensitive

                        6.    The Player

                        7.    Rambo

                        8.    The Victim

                        9.    The Terrorist

                        10.   The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser

                        I was unaware that abusive men fell into categories. I thought they were mentally screwed up. I also came to understand that what I went through was traumatic which will have a delay in psychological reactions. Symptoms that abused women will encounter after leaving the relationship may include rage, depression, suicide and drug use. I loved the fact that he didn't discount what women had endured in abusive relationships. I loved the fact that he saw through these men in his sessions and was able to call them on their behavior. Lundy explains in detail the specific characteristics of each abusive man. He points out what to look for in a new relationship and how to prepare for a safe plan to leave an abusive relationship. Included in this book is a chapter dedicated to the abusive man and the court system, how abusive men will manipulate therapists, lawyers and evaluators to side with their distorted value system. I feel all women should read this book. You don't have to be in an abusive relationship, this can help you foresee potentially abusive relationships, this book can also help you help someone in an abusive relationship. I learned so much in such a short time. I feel some weight has been lifted and I feel less victimized. Click on the book to Amazon.com to buy the book. Below is an article written by Bancroft about Custody and Visitation disputes.



(continued)

Victims Rights
Why Does He Do That?
Assessing Risk of Children

Divorce

Domestic Violence

Resources

News/Blog/Etc.